The skill of finding play partners, what do you look for? Is it physical attraction? Is it mental? Emotional? Do need to get to know others? Do you play and never repeat? Do you prefer established partners. In the lifestyle, just like in life, there are a variety of vibes and tribes. It may seem silly, and obvious, to say this… and it is an obvious truth.
You may think everyone is in it for the same thing. We are… aaand we're not. You will meet some people that you jive with, and just as often, you will encounter those who don't. People will approach you strictly interested in the physical activity of sex – for them it may be all about getting as much as possible. Some people will think this is awesome, while others could be offended by the quick assessment and decision to play or not to play. You will also meet people who take time getting to know you, before getting to the point of having sex. Being approached by someone who does not match your vibe can be quite discouraging. In this episode we will chat about the importance of knowing that, even here, in the lifestyle, you will need to find those you resonate with. Listen in and discover how you can be less discouraged and offended, and much more successful when finding others to play with.
Come discover your own torrid soul with us. We'd love to hear from you! Send us your questions or comments. Hello@TorridSouls.com 1-647-547-5512 Twitter and Instagram @TorridSouls
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Podcasts and Resources Mentioned:
Torrid Souls Episode 14: Cougars & Cubs: Sexually Confident Women Who F*** Younger Men
Will and Grace clip
How to Leave a Review with a Nickname
Cougars and Cubs event at Oasis
Interesting Quotes:
- “This is our ghetto slut bedcast”
- “Who is our tribe?”
- “We've been to Desire, Hedo, Temptation”
- “We've been to events and we've seen all kinds of stuff”
- “People in life that we relate to”
- “I'm going bigger – ooh that's a switch”
- “I didn't realize that there were so many ways to show up”
- “The first people they encounter, if that's not them, doesn't mean the whole lifestyle is not for them”
- “Describe the different types or groups that we encountered”
- Categories of People/Tribes:
- Female led hetero couples
- Equitable in seeking partners for self and primary partner
- Male led hetero couples
- “Doesn't even indicate who was first interested in the lifestyle, and it could switch”
- “I wonder if it's just introvert / extravert
- Continuum of Types of Relationships / Connections:
- Poly-ish – find regular playfriends — establish connections and feel secure, safe – more of a relationship
- Middle ground – get to know to rule out the jerk factor
- More annoymous – prefer to keep separate. Only play with ones they have chemistry / physical attraction to
- “Then there's alcohol, and that erases”
- “I've never really spent much time looking at people'
- “Stems from an emotionally abusive relationship when I was 16”
- “Weird feeling in your body – then shut down – shame”
- “You need to tell me when you find someone attractive, so I can look”
- “There was this gorgeous looking guy coming out”
- “I smiled at him – huge flirting”
- “I turned around to look, but he was already gone”
- “Can I see your package – I'm in training!”
- “It's part of me discovering who I am and my attraction to people'
- “When I get to know them, that gives me enough time to check them out”
- “It's what your mind it telling you, that you can see”
- “You have a nose”
- “That's how powerful your brain is”
- “I see the their insides”
- “I can have a short interaction with someone, and I can size them up based on their insides”
- “I still don't see the package and the packages”
- “kind eyes are kind eyes”
- “Now that I am seeing the outsides, I tend to be more insecure”
- “Never thought of people as attractive or not”
- “We actually have the same taste”
- “I noticed him too. How could you not notice that!”
- “What was I saying?”
- “When I notice the attractiveness, then how do I talk?”
- “If I have already created a rapport, then I have an easier time once I notice they are attractive”
- “I've seen fit, hot bodies all the time”
- “For me, it's just a matter of choosing or not”
- “The four became two”
- “Got really sweaty for a few hours”
- “How am I attractive to someone who looks like a Greek God, how would they ever be attracted to me?”
- “If there's a high level of attraction, I can get to know you”
- “If there's a mediocre attraction, and we start talking about life, there may still be an attraction”
- “don't use the K word – not allowed to talk about kids”
- “On the dance floor, having a good time, music in me, moving”
- “someone come up and want to talk to me”
- “if you are actually asking questions and want to have a conversation”
- “out of my body now – so either stop dancing and talk”
- “I want to be in my body, feel”
- “Everything that's said, is a picture”
- “talk to much takes me out of my body”
- “I love talking to people, we will talk for hours”
- “We went to an event – intention was to socialize – to meet single guys”
- “everybody was visiting, cocktails”
- “Met Monogamish Marriage Blog there”
- “They didn't even say Hi — wallflowers”
- “Guys need lessons – it's like they need a mentor – school for single guys in the lifestyle”
- “The guys that are the wallflowers — that's where you get the impression of the creepy single guy”
- Joke about the way people seek play/partners — Could Use Coloured Wrist Bands:
- Green = At an event to get laid – straight to the point, not interested in conversation, unless you will likely get naked with them
- Blue = Like to get to know people a little bit before moving to sex
- Yellow = Really get to know you, deep conversation, intellectual connection
- Red = Seeking more committed arrangements
- “Logical take home material”
- “I do random spewings and you make into a system”
- Play Styles:
- Swapping Partners
- Group play / puppy pile / orgy
- Sexual preferences – who is attracted to what genders?
- Will anyone be the focus?
- Soft swap / full swap
- What are the things that are yes? What are the things that are no?
- “She's so hot, I just want to smack her”
- “I'm so turned on, I just want to smack her”
- “Maybe they think I'm raw, let's get raw”
- “Stick a finger up your butt and smack your face”
- “I did speak up in the moment and said no”
- “That's a possibility, that could happen”
- “There is just so much variety of play – different dynamics”
- “You can pretty much find anything you want”
- “You are seeing me speak up and the confidence is way better”
- “Maya Angelo says – when they know better, they do better”
- “I couldn't have done that so confidently, months ago”
- “The lifestyle is actually extremely empowering for women”
- “You can work through your crap – relatively safely”
- “A way to be clear about what you want, and what you don't want”
- “People thing the lifestyle is all about sex, and your just having sex all the time – but it's so much more than that”
- “People who have been in it for years, realize you grow and evolve”
- “There's so much more going on in the world!”
- “She was concerned about being over 50”
- “If they're interested, they're interested – no one cares how old you are”
- “There's people looking at her with interest”
- “Theme called cougars and cubs – because you are a cougar, there are people who are specifically interested”
- “We have that experience of people coming up, and you can see it in their eyes”
- “Cougar kinda fits in the 60's, with the word swap — word not used today like they were used in the 60's — a reclaiming of the term, like slut”
- “Mutual desire and interest”
- “They like the maturity, experience, the no drama”
- “My Dad talking about one of the best things that happened to him at 19 is that he had a 35 year old girlfriend”
- “It makes sense”
- “Those single guys would be much better if they were with someone 30, 40, 50 — they would get it — they would be social”
- “Who is Our Tribe?”
- “People who match us, interest, conversation, friendliness”
- “Attractive is not just physical, also mental or both”
- “Socially Sexual / Sexually Social”
- “Respectful, Dance, Energy”
- “Egalitarian couples”
- “not pushy / making assumptions”
- “questions, curious about life, open to being wrong”
- “mostly theories, not soap opera discussions / day to day happenings”
- “helps me understand more about myself — it's basically who are we, and who do we match with – introspection about people who are similar to us”
- “more on the change side of spectrum, new and different, spontaneity
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